Conversation is more of an art than a science. However, you can break it down to it’s fundamental components and start having more engaging and fun conversations. It’s like a painter learning how to mix colors and brushing and stroking techniques to paint the picture. It’s still up to the painter to draw inspiration from life experiences and external stimuli to create a masterpiece that others will appreciate and value. Learn the principles and create a valuable experience.
I showed some examples and differences on a great and a not so great conversation to help build a connection and attraction. I broke down some of the key elements of a good conversation, like commonalities, and explained why they work. If you haven’t already done so, check out the breakdown analysis of conversations before reading ahead to gain a better understanding on what I am about to cover. I am going to review those elements in greater detail and show you the rest of the principles to carry a great and unique conversation anywhere, anytime with anyone you want. Sound good?
It’s no secret that most guys don’t know what exactly to say to a woman in order to create the relationship he wants. He may seem try hard or too needy and ask too many mundane and boring questions that sounds like she is being interrogated for some international terrorist crime. The key thing to do is to ask interesting or unique questions to create more investment that elicit more than a “yes / no” or one word response
If she is already attracted to you or just naturally really friendly, she may give longer responses by default, which is great, but you shouldn’t rely on that. Whenever she gives a positive response or gives a substantial amount of investment, you need to reward her proportionally to the amount of investment she is giving, followed up with a relevant statement to build a commonality and finally a good question to continue the conversation. It she gives you a bad response, you need to reciprocate by “punishing” her by the same amount.
Imagine a girl gives you an awesome, long and energetic response to whatever you just said or done…Great!! How do you respond? You reciprocate, with the same amount of energy and awesomeness!
You should always make the girl feel appreciated for the amount of effort and information she is giving you. Whenever she is investing into you, she is being vulnerable. Most people are very self-conscious and are always trying their best not to be judged by others by hiding personal information, especially someone she just met. When you reward her and reciprocate her investment, you are building trust, comfort and good feelings towards you. All great things to start building a relationship. Below is a very short list of generic examples of rewards you can say to reciprocate her investment from low to high reciprocation. You follow up with a statement after all of these.
- “Very cool…”
- “Wow! …”
- “That’s awesome! …”
- “No way! …”
- “Shut up! …”
- “Oh my God! …”
For example, if she tells you she just got out of work, then she has only given a small amount of information or investment. You could just say something like, “Cool, what are you up to now?” If she gave a lot more emotional investment and said she just lost her job, you could say, “Oh my God! How are you doing?” and get even more investment. I should note that these should be calibrated depending if she gives you positive or negative information. For example, you shouldn’t say “Nice” or “Shut up!” if she tells you her dog died or she just broke up with her boyfriend.
You are conditioning her to keep doing positive behaviors on investing more into you in order to continue receiving those good feelings from you. You should still invest in her slightly less than she is investing in you in order to win the investment game and have her chase you. Whoever invests more, is in the “chasing frame” or seeking approval from the other person. Based on how much investment she gives you and where you are in the interaction, you can also physically escalate things further and progress the interaction.
What if she gives you a negative response or really low investment? You need to break rapport! Alternatively, if she breaks rapport with you, you break rapport back. This can be synonymous with the term flirting. I’ve already gone in depth into the theory and techniques behind breaking rapport, but I will do a quick summary here. It is the spark of attraction and is the only way to create investment if she is not seeking rapport from you. Here you are also conditioning her to invest into you by “punishing” her if she doesn’t give you the positive behaviors and investment you are looking for.
I put punish in quotes because it is not meant to be harsh. It can be in the form of playful teasing or negging. For example if she gives sort of an attitude, you can talk to her friends, point to her, smile and say, “Is she always like this? How do you hang out with her?” or “You can dress her up, but you can’t take her anywhere.” The break needs to be reciprocated by the degree of negativity or break in rapport she is giving. Your must also remain unaffected by her behavior and your breaks should be playful in order for them to be effective.
After you reward her for good behavior and investment with something positive, you must follow up with a relevant statement and attempt to build a commonality. This is how people build connections with each other and how friends communicate.
You can also use qualification techniques here to create beneficial behaviors, get information and investment from her. Sometimes you will know about her than some her closest friends.
In order of effectiveness, there are three main categories on how you can build a commonality with someone: direct, indirect and negative. There are 3 sub categories within each of them: description, story, and fact.
This is where you can build the deepest connection with the girl, when both of you have had the same first hand experiences or share the same deep understanding of something.
For example, say you live in New York and you are visiting a foreign country. You meet another girl in that country and, by chance, you find out she is also from New York. You guys now have a lot of things you have in common to connect on and talk about. Below are some examples on how you can build that commonality.
The most effective way to build on that connection is to provide a colorful, descriptive and emotional statement that only New Yorkers or people that have been to New York know about. For example, you could say, “You know what? I kinda miss New York. Nothing beats getting a hot, sweet cappuccino on a cold morning, on your way to work and you can’t wait to get into the subway so you can warm up a little bit. I love New York in the summer and can’t wait for the winter to be over but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.” New Yorkers have a love, hate thing for the hot and cold seasons.
This is the 2nd best thing you can say to build a commonality. You can talk about a recent story that has happened to you while in New York. It could be something interesting or funny and she may be familiar with.
For example, you share a funny story where you were on your way to work and, as much as you hated it, you had to go through Times Square.
(New Yorkers avoid Times Square at all costs because everything is more expensive there and all the tourists block your way by stopping in the middle of sidewalk to take pictures)
Then you saw a Snoop Dogg impersonator. Everybody believed it was him because of his entourage and they started taking pictures with him and getting his autograph. You just laughed as you walked by. By the way, this was a true story for me, hahaha… You never know what you’ll see in the city.
This is the least effective thing you can talk about with somebody to build a connection. It could be any interesting fact about the city, or recent news that has happened. These can be peppered in once in a while to add some dynamics to the discussion. Not the greatest way to build a commonality but these can still work and segway into something else.
Here is where you have 2nd hand knowledge on whatever she is talking about. Your knowledge could come from a friend that has done something similar or you have read about someone else doing it. Your friend could be from New York or worked there. Your cousin could have visited there and had an interesting experience. It could be colorful description, story, or fact of what you have heard from someone or learned elsewhere.
This is the least effective as you have no information on the subject. Not to worry. This can be considered a small break in rapport and allows you to learn more information so you have something to talk about the next time you meet someone who has similar interests or experiences. You could try to bullshit your way into having common knowledge on the same thing if it may be a generic experience, but you may get called out on it. With a strong enough frame you could away with bullshitting pretty much anything. I used to do this, but realized that I didn’t need to as I genuinely wanted to know more information and I could get them to qualify and get more investment.
In a typical sentence, there are usually two or more central ideas that you can build off on. After you have rewarded or “punished” her for whatever she has said or done, and made a relevant statement on one of the ideas she has stated, you then follow up with, preferably, an open-ended question. She will want to invest more in you after you have given her good feedback and an appropriate question to answer on. Make sure dig deeper to her responses and ask unique questions, like, “Interesting… Why did you do that?” or “Wow…how must of that felt?” or “That’s crazy… How did you manage?”
There are a lot of different ways you can take the conversation. In the beginning, you want to make it light and playful so you can create that attraction and start building investment. As you progress towards the middle and end, you will have had to build enough comfort and investment to learn more about her personally and build that deep emotional connection. She may give you a relatively short answer, but if it was very personal or emotional response, like the time her parents separated or boyfriend cheated on her, then she has already started to deeply invest in you.
You can use this opportunity to escalate by consoling her and then dig in a little deeper and maybe share a deep personal and comfort story with her. Don’t spend too much time down there unless you are using it to overcome last-minute-resistance (LMR). Most of the communication is non-verbal, so in order to really connect with her more deeply, you need to have solid eye contact, proper voice tonality and attractive body language. You now have all the tools to start having deep and more meaningful conversations. What was the most memorable conversation you’ve had?