3 Powerful Keys To Happiness And Success

Happiness and successHow do you achieve true happiness and success? This is something that many people try to pursue and some obtain a part of them, while others may not even get a small fraction. Like many people, I have tried to get both for most of my life and I was able to get good at some things and even excel at a few things.

I graduated with honors from college and landed a prestigious job on Wall Street. I even traveled the country as a competitive Salsa dancer and video game player and won tournaments. I was happy and felt successful at times, but there were definitely many dark moments in my life where I felt empty and everything was hopeless.

I slowly began to realize that I was chasing an illusive dream or false goals in my life. I was doing many things in my life for the wrong reasons. A few of those reasons were to build my self importance in the eyes of others.

I was always self-conscious on how I measured up against other people. I was always comparing myself to someone better than me and I was even self-praising and putting down others in my mind who I felt were below or less successful than me. It was a really unhealthy mindset.

The Egoic Mind

I had an ego I wanted to preserve. I felt that my identity revolved on how much money I made, how prestigious my job was compared to others, how much better my game was than some of the “naturals”. I was also being insecure and felt threatened by some of the newer guys in game or guys that had just got into game but were improving faster or were better than me at game.

I was constantly on edge and trying to maintain my “image” of being “good” with women by either trying too hard to game or just avoiding going out with other wings and just going out solo because I didn’t want to be seen if I got blown out. Even though getting blown out rarely happened anymore when I’m carefree, when I’m trying to “prove” something, I’m more likely to get blown out.

I even felt like I had an “image” to preserve at my “prestigious” job so I barely asked any questions so I didn’t seem dumb. Of course, I wasn’t very productive at my job because I was taking the extremely difficult route of trying to figure out everything myself and never ask for advice and my performance suffered as a result.

egoLooking back now, I could have done many things differently and had a lot more success, happiness and peace of mind. The funny thing is that it wasn’t that long ago that my perspective and view on life and things began to change. Most, if not all, of these changes began to happen this year and I feel that a huge piece of my understanding of this recently happened about a week ago.

I began coaching guys on pickup a few years ago and I LOVED it… at first. It all started when I was an junior coach at this PUA world conference. This is where a bunch of lead dating coaches, PUA instructors and gurus gathered and gave speeches to guys who wanted to learn on how to pickup and attract women over the weekend. After the speeches and networking, we would all go out to approach women and game.

This was my first time coaching and I was excited because I had recently finished an immersion program in Las Vegas where I lived in the City of Sin and gamed 24/7 over the summer. This is where my game really took off.

It was really cool to see all the new guys in game that were really enthusiastic to learn and were looking up to you for advice. It felt rewarding to help these guys develop their social skills and confidence to approach and attract women. I could definitely tell they were taking it all in and really trusted me to help them succeed.

However, over time I started to develop a big ego. There were so many times where I felt that I had just “arrived” at game. I was able to start getting make-outs with girls within minutes, or even seconds of meeting them. I was getting consistent same-day and same-night-lays and even getting threesomes.

I would start to just be happy with myself and then I would take long breaks from game after some of these successes. I started returning to my old habits of playing video games, staying indoors and wasting time watching TV and YouTube videos.

I wasn’t growing or progressing. In fact, when I tried to go out again, maybe a few days or weeks later, I would get hit with huge reality check. I went from being able to get make-outs with several different girls within the same night and pulling girls in the bathrooms, to then being completely blown out by every set and feeling like a huge chump. It gets even worse…

I started making excuses for myself and making irrational judgements against other people for how they couldn’t see how “great” I was. I knew I had the ability to attract, seduce and pull girls, but I was getting blown out like I was a complete “loser” so I told myself, “Wow, if these girls knew the other girls I’ve pulled before, they wouldn’t be treating me this way. These girls must be completely oblivious to my value.”

I was getting “rejected” by girls who were less “attractive” than the girls I’ve slept with and I thought the girls that “rejected” me were “idiots” or should just be “grateful” that I’m even talking to them. Wow… you can see how destructive this thinking was…

FrustrationSince I had such a strong ego, it also affected my coaching for many times out in field. Instead of just focusing on improving my students’ social skills on creating attraction and seducing women, I spent most of my energy preserving my ego or “image”. This caused me not to approach as often as I feared that they would see me get blown out and that would discredit me.

Instead, most of the time I just gave the students drills and gave feedback that would help them. They were still getting better at game and even pulling, but I could have made things a lot easier if I had let go of my ego to have better focus and gave clearer feedback and winged with them more often.

The Mind Shift

I went through countless cycles of amazingness where I felt I could walk on clouds and take over an entire nightclub and then the next day I was a total train-wreck. When my game was on point, everybody said that my game was on fire. I would approach a shit ton of sets with no anxiety and had amazing results.

Even when I first started training in Las Vegas, everybody said I was picking things up quickly and I had a lot of potential. I would get a same-night lay with a hot girl last night, and then the next day I would get blown out and my sense of self-worth would be crumbled. Eventually I would get back up and just start doing massive approaches and get “lucky” again but I was making it hard for myself.

When I was fully in the moment and enjoying myself, I had complete clarity, focus and carefreeness that allowed me to get into the flow state, think creatively and have amazing charisma. But once I started getting a lot of successes, there a few things that were causing me to feel overwhelmed.

Sensual coupleYou could say that I may have feared success or I thought I was unworthy. I wasn’t used to getting all the positive attention from all these girls, especially hot ones. My phone was blowing up from all the girls I number closed or had sex with.

I would be putting too much importance on each of them. I thought, “Well, I already sealed the deal, but I still don’t want to fuck this up!” so I let that affect my game and I would then “lose” the girls I slept with. I was still thinking with a scarcity mindset.

It was pretty ridiculous all these cycles of funks I was going through. When my game was tight I was consistent, but at the same time I was the most inconsistent person in the world with all these peaks and valleys of my state.

Overtime, I began to start to have less and less periods of “funks” I was going through and they were also becoming shorter. I was also becoming more centered and just felt more… free. I’ll do my best to explain how I feel and the benefits I’m experiencing…

My ego is practically non-existent now. It’s pretty radical to say this because I’ve never really fully experienced anything like this for an extended period of time before. I have dropped all the bullshit that was weighing me down. I have no emotional judgements towards anyone and I don’t judge myself. I’m constantly curious about the world and learning new things, either through books, videos or even random people I meet throughout the day.

I treat everyone like they have some knowledge or wisdom that I would like to possess because they do. Even if it is something that’s not directly related to anything I’m doing or pursuing, just by learning something new, I may be able to use that for inspiration later, plus I may connect them with someone can use what they have and I can indirectly benefit later while still helping them. It’s a win-win.

win-win situationWhenever I learn something new, it’s placed into my subconscious for later use. If it is something that’s directly actionable to something that I want to do or accomplish, I will apply it immediately. For example, if I learn a new business or marketing practice, I will dig deeper into it by learning more on how to apply it and it is something I can do right now, I will do it.

This is called speed of implementation, and it is something that my mentor, Luke, told me about when I first started out in game, but only recently have I really understood it and implementing it more. Because I’m constantly learning and doing, I’m constantly improving and growing and moving towards my goals.

There were a few more things that have helped me start to put the pieces together on what success and happiness actually meant and how to achieve that. I’ve been listening to a podcast hosted by Tim Ferris, lifehacker, investor and author of “4 Hour Workweek”, where he interviews extremely successful people in their field and deconstructs how they operate and accomplish their incredible results.

They range from multi-millionaires, world class athletes, disruptive entrepreneurs, military generals and everything in between. All the people he interviewed were fantastic, but there were a couple episodes that really resonated with me and caused a big mental shift.

There was one episode with Tony Robbins and Peter Diamandis that was especially fantastic. If you don’t know who Tony Robbins is, he’s a motivational speaker, personal finance instructor and self-help author. Peter Diamandis is highly successful engineer, physician and entrepreneur.

If you listen to this podcast, your reality will be positively shifted like you would never believe. These awesome guys provided lots of nuggets of wisdom but there was a particularly amazing quote that just struck me and has affected me ever since I heard it. I believe Tony Robbins said…

“The key to happiness and success is progress and adding value.”

Hearing that for the first time literally blew my mind because it made so much sense. If you are constantly progressing and evolving when you are going for something, then you will naturally become more more happy because only a person with high-self esteem will work on themselves. But the crazy thing is that even if have a low-self esteem, just by improving yourself you will naturally raise your esteem and it becomes a positive spiral loop.

Stagnation and inaction is the ultimate form of demotivation and are key ingredients for depression. Life is like riding a bicycle. If you are constantly moving towards a goal, then you will maintain balance and harmony. Nothing feels better than knowing that each day you are becoming more knowledgeable and therefore more have more power, control and moving forward in your life.

The other half of the sentence deals with success. How can you become successful? The most successful businesses became that way because of the tremendous value that have provided. Whether that’d be a good or service. Just look at some of the companies like Google, Microsoft, Apple, Uber, UPS, Amazon, etc. Nearly everybody uses their services at some capacity or interacts and connects with someone who uses their services.

Back view image of young businessman standing against business sketchThe same applies to individuals within an organization who work towards a common goal and give value to their customers and help the company grow. This is especially true to entrepreneurs who are able utilize all the necessary scarce resources together and create something that will impact people’s lives for the better.

However, there is also another episode on Tim Ferris’s podcast, where he interviewed Dr. Brené Brown who is a scholar, author, and public speaker and gave a TED talk on the power of vulnerability. Tim asked her towards the end of the interview, “When you think of the word successful, who is the first person that comes in mind for you, and why?” She took a long pause to think of an answer and then finally spoke. She basically said this…

“I don’t think of anyone when I hear the word successful. I’ve found in my research that the word ‘successful’ was not helpful so I don’t even use the word anymore. I will just say to make sure that your ladder is leaning up against the right building.”

That was really insightful and explains how we should just make sure we are progressing towards the right goals. Then Tim responded with another statement that really struck home with me.

“Success can be a nebulous, dangerous term, sort of like happiness”

Now there was another episode where Tim interviewed another woman (I know, I know…another podcast but this will all come together, I promise) where he asked her about happiness or what it meant to her.

Unfortunately I don’t remember who was the person he interviewed, it might have even been with Dr. Brown but I don’t feel like listening to it again to make sure. The woman basically responded similarly to what Dr. Brown said (unless she is the same person). She said…

“I don’t think of it in terms of ‘happiness’. I prefer to call it acceptance.”

Acceptance is happiness

So what gives? There seems to be somewhat conflicting philosophies or perspectives to achieve what everyone wants. Actually, they are all interconnected and can convey the same thing differently. I’ve read quite a few books on metaphysics, philosophy, meditation, self-help, etc. and I do my best to practice many of the principles, but only recently has everything started to come together.

I feel like I’m finally understanding these ideologies and principles on a deeper level instead of just trying to follow along. At least, I’ve started to obtain experiences that are linking together with these principles that has given me a solid ground to stand on instead of them just being abstract theories.

Now I’m much more centered and calm and feel like I have complete control of my life. The fact that I’m calm and take everything as is has helped not only my game but my business and other relationships. I’m now closing more often in terms of pickup and sales. I’m getting along better with my family and friends. I’m building a genuine connection with people and it doesn’t even feel like I’m gaming.

I’m completely immersed in what people are having to say and I have no filters on my behavior and being in the moment with them. I open girls and barely say a word and have them start qualifying themselves heavily towards me and I reward them appropriately by building commonalities or escalation. I’m also much more in-tuned with my students and prospective clients that I’m able to give better advice, close more sales, and pull more often with them.

practice presenceEverything seems to be clicking and it’s only getting better. I’m fullfiling my desires, but at the same time I’m pretty much fully detached from them. I’m not sure if this is what they call enlightenment or if it’s even possible to fully reach it, but it feels pretty darn close to it. How am I able to achieve this?

3 Keys To Happiness And Success

These are the three principles or keys that I’ve found to bring happiness and success. It is a compilation of everything I covered earlier in this post. The irony here is that the words “happiness” and “success” can be misnomers but they are easy ideas for everybody to grasp. I’ve used these words to appeal to those want to achieve these 2 things.

However, I’m here to tell you that these aren’t things you “achieve”. You already have them but you may not be “utilizing” your core self to bring them out. And I’m not saying this is in some crazy new age, hippie way that’s vague where you can’t understand it. I’m going to break down exactly what I mean so you will start getting what you want out of life and never have to pursue happiness or success ever again.

1. Acceptance

Acceptance is the first key to getting what you want out of life. There are a few things you need to keep telling yourself and start believing in. Everything will eventually work out. Nothing is ever a big deal. You have a choice on how to interpret things. Change your attitude, not your emotions.

Tony Robbins stated, “The key to happiness and success is progress and adding value.” However I would like to add another key that is equally if not more crucial, than progress and value. And that is acceptance.

Acceptance is the foundation for the other elements to thrive and allow you to start enjoying life more and achieving the things you want. Acceptance does NOT mean that you will just tolerate everything and do nothing about it. It just means that whatever crosses or blocks your path towards your goals, you will not fret and become discouraged. You are still walking and on your purpose.

acceptance is not tolerancePicture this… you are walking through a forest and you are enjoying the scenery. After walking for some time, you come across a river that blocks your path. You want to get to the other side because you are meeting up with friends there, yet you don’t see a clear path yet. You’ve encountered an obstacle and you’re already running late. What do you do?

Do you get pissed and complain or do you simply accept the river is there and walk along it until you find some sort of bridge or just pass through the river? Will your friends be upset if you’re late? If it’s not crucial or life-threatening, then most likely not, as long as you don’t act like it is. Throughout our lives, we encounter many obstacles, but we have a choice on how we handle it.

There are many things that has helped understand what acceptance truly is and how to practice it. Besides the podcasts and mentors I have listened to, there were a few books that have helped solidify my understanding of acceptance as well as other things to achieve happiness and success.

The first book that truly opened my eyes was Reality Transurfing by Vadim Zeland. This is a metaphysical book with practical applications to start using and see the changes for yourself. The other book that has helped as me as well was the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This talks a lot about presence and understanding how to let go of the ego. I highly recommend both books.

Gratitude

Acceptance is a higher encompassing form of gratitude. I’ve included it in acceptance because they are highly related. Gratitude is a more specific and stronger attitude of acceptance. Scientific research has shown that gratitude is strongly linked to greater happiness. When you are grateful for something or someone, not only are you acceptive, but you are fully appreciative and thankful. 

gratitudeYou don’t have to be grateful for what seemingly has a negative impact on your life, but you can simply accept it and move on or make a conscious change or detour towards your path or goals. Although, reframing the negative as having a positive impact (for example, “a blessing in disguise”) can also provide benefits. Everything will eventually work itself out if that is your mindset.

I have started to accept things as just they are and calmly continue on my journey where everything is becoming much more easier. I’m able to connect with people much more easily. I don’t judge anyone nor myself. I’m listening to everybody with no bias and others can sense that so they feel much more comfortable opening up to me.

I’m not perfect and sometimes I may fall back into some biases, but overtime, it has become easier and easier to catch myself falling into those negative thought patterns. I then correct myself in time to be fully present with everything and everyone. Once you have acceptance, happiness is almost unnecessary but practically a byproduct of everything.

2. Progress

The next key to happiness and success is progress. Progress ties to both happiness and success, but it is more closely connected to happiness. When you are continually improving yourself, you can’t be unhappy. Try it if you don’t believe me.

When you are working on yourself, becoming more knowledgeable and making small steps towards your goal, you know you are on the right path. You feel that the journey is yours and you’re enjoying it. Being depressed involves inaction and doing nothing. You’re doing the opposite. You’re constantly taking action and growing and getting better. How can you not be happy?

Progress can involve anything. It can be simply doing your errands for the day. It can be finishing that project or task you’ve been procrastinating. It can be going out and approaching that set to improve your social skills instead of making some false excuses. It can be working out. It can be making that phone call, whether business or personal, that you’ve been putting off on. Whatever you do, do something that will cause you to progress.

You want something to help keep you motivated and start taking action while you’re doing nothing? Listen to what the great inventor Thomas Edison had to say…

Thomas Edison Quote, "Everything comes to to him who hustles while he waits."

I’ve heard this quote for the first time from investor and entrepreneur, Tai Lopez. He actually made that educational video while he is getting his hair cut at his office LOL. This quote has affected me from time to time again… Think about all the “free time” while you are wasting while waiting around and doing nothing. Instead of complaining or waiting around, do something productive.

One of the easiest things you can do is have an eBook that you can read. Most of us have smartphones, where you can bring up your kindle or pdf and start reading about something that can help your business, relationships, health, etc. If you’re driving, you can listen to an audiobook or a podcast that will help you grow.

If you have neither, then network and build connections with people around you and see how you can be mutually beneficial to each other or just sharpen your social skills. This also ties into opening a girl and getting her number, instant date, etc. If you have none of those, then be creative and do something productive with your time.

3. Unconditional Value

The final key to happiness and success is providing unconditional value. I added “unconditional” because you want to give value indiscriminately. This is tied mostly to success because if you are able to provide value to others, then you will be reciprocated for your efforts. The higher the positive impact you make, the higher your reward will be. This applies to both business and relationships throughout your life.

An example of reciprocation towards business could be providing samples of a product or service to prospects. You can also provide a free consultation or advice on something. If you are providing a quality product or service that appeals to the right buyers, then they will see value in it and they will buy from you. Dr. Robert Cialdini’s research on the science and psychology of influence and persuasion shows reciprocity as one of the 6 principles of influence.

You don’t want to prejudge any situation or people you may encounter. These are just negative thought patterns to create excuses for you not to engage in what you may think to be a uncomfortable interaction or situation. This is also something that my mentor, Luke, has talked about.

How can you possibly know about the situation unless you engage with it? You never know what benefits you may gain from speaking with that seemingly “uninteresting” person who happens to a CEO of some company to help your business grow.

hot woman at barOr how about that hot woman standing across the bar who looks “stuck-up” but is actually super friendly and just your type. You are also creating a self-fulling prophecy with your thought patterns and the sub-communication you are giving off from them. If you expect people to be friendly and pleasant, they are much more likely act that way.

This helps tremendously when you are out there gaming in the field. When you go out with no judgements and you talk to everybody and give positive emotions and good feelings, you will have a good time that night and get some reward out of it. You may find a good contact, build your social circle, get invited to afterparties, bounce or pull a girl, etc. It’s pretty amazing how everything just snowballs from just providing unconditional value to everybody. Try it and just talk to everybody with no agenda and see how it goes.

I actually came up with the term “unconditional value” on my own and briefly talked about it in a previous post on being accepted into the group and liked by her friends. However, I was curious if others have talked about this so I recently did some googling and I was surprised to find that one of my favorite philosophers I studied in college, Immanuel Kant, came up with “unconditional value” and the theory behind it.

However, there is a difference between what Kant and I are talking about in terms of value. He is concerned with value in terms of ethics or morality while I’m talking about worth, contribution or usefulness. He talked about what is the right thing a person should do and what is the motivation behind it while I’m talking about providing something that is worthy or useful to others, like good emotions, social connections, etc. But our philosophies can be complementary. You can check out this nice summary of Kant’s Theory of Value and The Good Will, which is a handout created for a Harvard philosophy course.

Kant’s theory of value states that most values, the ends we pursue, are person-relative values. This means that our values are subjectively based on our experiences. Remember, we’re talking about ethics and morality here…

Unconditional value is where we attribute a thing of value under any and all conditions whereas conditional value is attributed only when certain conditions are met. Unconditional value is the functionally equivalent to intrinsic value. Something has intrinsic value when it is inherently good or valuable for it’s own sake and not for some external result. Kate describes 4 categories of action based on motivation that are listed in the handout…

1) Right action done from duty, just because it is the right thing to do

2) Right action done from immediate or direct inclination, because this is what I want to do, for its own sake

3) Right actions done from mediate or indirect inclination, because this action is useful, and serves one of my other ends

4) Actions that are contrary to duty. Kant thinks that these are done because they are useful, like actions in category 3.

How does this relate to what I’m talking about? Let’s take an example from game… When you walk into a venue with a bunch of people you don’t know, you may fall into the habit of trying to seek value (usefulness) from others.

This could include just hitting on the hottest girl with an agenda on just trying to get your needs met instead of providing a mutually beneficially and enjoyable experience for the both of you. You are oblivious to her sub-communication and body language and you come off as uncalibrated.

Another example could be at a networking event where you go straight up to the big fish, kiss up and tell them what you want without building a connection first. You will come off as needy and value (worth) seeking and this will repel people off from you. Both of these are examples of actions in category 4. You’re trying to achieve something by not doing the right actions.

What you want to be doing instead is to do actions that are based on categories 2 or 3 (I’m ignoring 1 because the “right thing” is really subjective and depends on the person’s personal values {morals}). You want to be focusing on the right actions that are giving you pleasure for it’s own sake and may be useful and help achieve your other ends.

The right action is something that is useful (valuable) to you and to other people. This means that you will indiscriminately speak to everyone as they are your equal. Speak to them as if they are a good friend. Be curious about them and offer insight and value (usefulness).

This can be good emotions by being fun, playful, building rapport and commonalities or introducing them to someone that can help accomplish their goals or desires. There are not many people that will provide fun energy and genuinely listen to them without judgement so they will graciously enjoy being around you.

While you are offering unconditional value (usefulness) to everyone, you are still consciously moving towards your goals based on your values (ethics/morals). The moral of the story is that everybody benefits when you provide good will and unconditional value to everyone. In the game situation, this may help you build social proof, preselection, get a girl’s phone number, bounce or pull her later.

While you are still treating everyone equally, you are only sexually escalating with the girls you are attracted to and want to sleep with. Unlike in realm of sports competitions or the stock market, life is a non-zero sum game. Everybody can win. This is how you get to have your cake and eat it too.

hot girls have cake and eat itThe earlier you go into a night venue, the more you want to just give value to everyone, unconditionally. You never know what value someone can offer to you and it just helps you remain socially sharp and build social proof instead of standing in a corner by yourself. The irony is that by the fact that you are providing value and not seeking value is that you will eventually receive value (i.e. get the girl or build a valuable connection).

As the night goes on and the girls BT’s are rising, the more easily you can escalate and bounce or pull her then. Of course, if you find a girl where you both are ready to move somewhere else, then by all means go for it.

I hope introducing some philosophy on ethics and morals here hasn’t made it too confusing. I was unsure on whether to include Kant’s theories of values as part of my concept of unconditional value, but I think it is interesting to see how they can relate. For practical purposes, you don’t need to understand Kant’s theories to apply the 3 keys for happiness and success. I just thought I include it as supplement material.

It seems that many people are constantly trying to get something from someone or somewhere. When in reality it is all already within you but you just need to take the right actions in the right direction. Happiness is already inside you and you can experience it once you have accepted yourself, others and your life situation.

You acknowledge your own and as well as others’ strengths and weaknesses while also recognizing life’s obstacles. You don’t get boggled down by roadblocks and you just simply use your creativity to move around them. You’re aware of your situation and don’t beat yourself or others up for their mistakes, opinions or accomplishments. You are taking conscious effort to improve yourself and uplift and add unconditional value to others. Happiness and success is an ongoing journey and you are already on it.

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